Jan 2014
I think I have found more reasons to hate myself.
I know life is about cherishing yourself being.
But I feel like a car crash that was unintentional.
Maybe my mom was right, maybe I am an accident.
I rather be a” was” right now.
“He was an accident” engraved on my stone that will stand on top of me when the earth is sinking me in.
There’s many ways to cure, but I’d rather not be cured, I deserve everything that people say I don’t deserve.
I’m a senseless kid not knowing better than to run outside half naked when it’s 16 degrees.
It’s just that I’m far too careless about myself now, and I don’t care, I just want to help people.
Maybe my soul was meant to be broken down to pieces and given out to the people who need some.
Or maybe I just spend so much time thinking I forgot about it.
My body knows me so well; it numbs itself before I torture it by punching bricked walls.
It knows me so well it has a springer in my throat because it knows how much I don’t like feeling heavy.
I know myself so well I smoke until I shouldn’t feel.
I wonder how it would be like to forget at an instant.
I wonder if true love truly waits.
I’m sorry for the love I give that isn’t enough,
I’m sorry for the love I give that is too much that you don’t want.
I know if you drift away, your reasons will always be for its best.
Maybe I’m not good at what I love to do.
Maybe I should stop trying to get people to express what they truly feel.
Maybe I should because you expressed what you truly felt about me and now I’m here playing happy chords on my piano to feel lifted from the grief.
Whatever it is that is causing this, I know its reasons are for its best.
You should really let the river in.
Maybe I am what you think of me; maybe I’m just in denial.
I’d love to see me the way you see me, why do you look up to me, why?
Is it possible to love life but also hate yourself?
How do I enjoy one thing I can’t control?
Maybe it’s progression within you.
I surely do feel a person can be classified as art by their mannerisms.
I adore a few people because I see them as art; they see me as art too do to the little I do that has helped.
I wonder if pride gets in the way of doing something beneficial to the world, what if it’s stopping people from happiness.
I think money comes and goes like happiness, you can never be so sure.
I’m only sure of very little, but who knows.
I think people tend to remember more of the bad times whether than the good, sadness is a long story, it can ruin and make you forget, and it can build and make you remember.
Throughout today, I’ve gone through a variety of emotions.
Yesterday was something I wasn’t prepared for, I always am but everything came to a sudden breakdown.
I’m going to record what I feel throughout this day until I feel like I’ve progressed with everything in different ways.
I hate time so much.
I hate how I thought a home could be in someones heart, my home is still there, but I think I lost the key; I think it’ll be lost for a while.
My demons inside want to unlock themselves, but somehow I still feel the love, I think I’ll always feel it, I’m glad I can feel imaginary things.
You know, sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t think about anything much, I wonder where I’d be right now.
At the end I feel like it’s two against one, I’m not sure what goes against what, there are just things you feel, and sometimes feeling is stupid.
I really don’t know how everything I’ve encountered has inspired me to be the person I am right now as I’m typing this in my dark room.
Little by little I start realize things I should realize when something bad happens that I overreact to.
I really don’t know what I am, sometimes I feel like my Christian phase is coming, and sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t believe.
I strongly believe in someone I love dearly, I don’t feel like I should believe in anything else.
I think that person is enough, more than enough.
But who knows, I mean I know but I don’t know.
It’s been a day since I’ve written anything on here, and I’m broken, it seems like I take a step forward due to hopes, then I step back two steps.
I’ve been contemplating so many things, I say nothing so I won’t be a burden, it feels nice to be worried for but at the same time I hate it.
I think my mom was right, I’m such a disappointment.
People at school give me reasons to look high of myself though, that’s makes me feel much better in all honesty.
I feel like if they’re secure before I am, then I’ll be okay because I’ve helped.
Its 4:11 pm and its November 25th 2013, I’ve never felt like this in my life.
I think I should be a diary to some people, I think I am.
Today was horrible, I’ve always talked about controlling my days and balancing them out with happiness but at the end I find ways to hate myself and something always has to go wrong.
Who knows, maybe my luck has ran out.
I’ve never actually believed in it, but if I did, I don’t think I ever had any, except for some cases; the people I’ve met are most beautiful.
There are days where I feel determined, there are days where I question my determination, and maybe everything will be okay.
But then again there are always those doubts that bother me.
Its 4:32 and I’m contemplating something really hard.
I think it’s time for me to go.
It is now January 12th
Im back.
Save me.
I know life is about cherishing yourself being.
But I feel like a car crash that was unintentional.
Maybe my mom was right, maybe I am an accident.
I rather be a” was” right now.
“He was an accident” engraved on my stone that will stand on top of me when the earth is sinking me in.
There’s many ways to cure, but I’d rather not be cured, I deserve everything that people say I don’t deserve.
I’m a senseless kid not knowing better than to run outside half naked when it’s 16 degrees.
It’s just that I’m far too careless about myself now, and I don’t care, I just want to help people.
Maybe my soul was meant to be broken down to pieces and given out to the people who need some.
Or maybe I just spend so much time thinking I forgot about it.
My body knows me so well; it numbs itself before I torture it by punching bricked walls.
It knows me so well it has a springer in my throat because it knows how much I don’t like feeling heavy.
I know myself so well I smoke until I shouldn’t feel.
I wonder how it would be like to forget at an instant.
I wonder if true love truly waits.
I’m sorry for the love I give that isn’t enough,
I’m sorry for the love I give that is too much that you don’t want.
I know if you drift away, your reasons will always be for its best.
Maybe I’m not good at what I love to do.
Maybe I should stop trying to get people to express what they truly feel.
Maybe I should because you expressed what you truly felt about me and now I’m here playing happy chords on my piano to feel lifted from the grief.
Whatever it is that is causing this, I know its reasons are for its best.
You should really let the river in.
Maybe I am what you think of me; maybe I’m just in denial.
I’d love to see me the way you see me, why do you look up to me, why?
Is it possible to love life but also hate yourself?
How do I enjoy one thing I can’t control?
Maybe it’s progression within you.
I surely do feel a person can be classified as art by their mannerisms.
I adore a few people because I see them as art; they see me as art too do to the little I do that has helped.
I wonder if pride gets in the way of doing something beneficial to the world, what if it’s stopping people from happiness.
I think money comes and goes like happiness, you can never be so sure.
I’m only sure of very little, but who knows.
I think people tend to remember more of the bad times whether than the good, sadness is a long story, it can ruin and make you forget, and it can build and make you remember.
Throughout today, I’ve gone through a variety of emotions.
Yesterday was something I wasn’t prepared for, I always am but everything came to a sudden breakdown.
I’m going to record what I feel throughout this day until I feel like I’ve progressed with everything in different ways.
I hate time so much.
I hate how I thought a home could be in someones heart, my home is still there, but I think I lost the key; I think it’ll be lost for a while.
My demons inside want to unlock themselves, but somehow I still feel the love, I think I’ll always feel it, I’m glad I can feel imaginary things.
You know, sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t think about anything much, I wonder where I’d be right now.
At the end I feel like it’s two against one, I’m not sure what goes against what, there are just things you feel, and sometimes feeling is stupid.
I really don’t know how everything I’ve encountered has inspired me to be the person I am right now as I’m typing this in my dark room.
Little by little I start realize things I should realize when something bad happens that I overreact to.
I really don’t know what I am, sometimes I feel like my Christian phase is coming, and sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t believe.
I strongly believe in someone I love dearly, I don’t feel like I should believe in anything else.
I think that person is enough, more than enough.
But who knows, I mean I know but I don’t know.
It’s been a day since I’ve written anything on here, and I’m broken, it seems like I take a step forward due to hopes, then I step back two steps.
I’ve been contemplating so many things, I say nothing so I won’t be a burden, it feels nice to be worried for but at the same time I hate it.
I think my mom was right, I’m such a disappointment.
People at school give me reasons to look high of myself though, that’s makes me feel much better in all honesty.
I feel like if they’re secure before I am, then I’ll be okay because I’ve helped.
Its 4:11 pm and its November 25th 2013, I’ve never felt like this in my life.
I think I should be a diary to some people, I think I am.
Today was horrible, I’ve always talked about controlling my days and balancing them out with happiness but at the end I find ways to hate myself and something always has to go wrong.
Who knows, maybe my luck has ran out.
I’ve never actually believed in it, but if I did, I don’t think I ever had any, except for some cases; the people I’ve met are most beautiful.
There are days where I feel determined, there are days where I question my determination, and maybe everything will be okay.
But then again there are always those doubts that bother me.
Its 4:32 and I’m contemplating something really hard.
I think it’s time for me to go.
It is now January 12th
Im back.
Save me.
