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Jan 2014
A suicide letter with your name on every line.
Love was a one way street and I was just trying to get by.
I had once been beautiful, I had once been strong,
But now I am the tempest that ripped the door from your hinges,
And I am destructive to everything inside.
I've tried to forget the way you cut your hair and the way you cut your meat,
But the cuts on my arm are just a reminder that
You were good with everything that involved a knife.

It's true what they say about becoming like your surroundings,
Because I've carved your name into my rib cage with consonants like a blade,
But you went behind my work and sliced deeper with every vowel.
I think it was my heart dying the day we left blood in your sheets;
I didn't know letting you inside of me meant being haunted by
Everything that remains and never left when you did.
Every pill on my tongue tastes like your mouth on my thighs.
The fire you left beneath my skin holds crimson relief and secret sin.

I thought the meaning of lust was to exclude love from the mix,
But you confused the two and now
I'm not so sure what love means.
I've hit rock bottom in the form of an avalanche
And the weight is far worse than the weight of you on top.
These demons are eating me alive and I see them in my dreams,
But my dreams are of your smile and I think
The good dreams are worse than the bad.

I find the irony in that.
I begged for your presence once in my uncertain attempt to survive.
You said some things you just cannot control, like why these bad things have happened.
Were you talking about yourself?
You said I had to be careful; "you never know when you will die."
I am aware now that, that was your greatest lie.
I died by your hand the day your poison left your lips.
My fight against death was your fight for life and
Every sting from your hips against mine nailed me further to
My own tombstone.

No one tells you that the monsters under your bed would
Show their face when you looked into the mirror.
The bags under my eyes look quite like the bags you left of
Bad memories and bad habits (they are all I have left).
You must understand that the screams from the roof tops could
End with a crack of my bones, and
You are to blame for the nights I cannot stop drowning from
The thoughts in my head.

If love was suicide you had as much life as spring and
I never made it through the chill of winter.
I've been taking medicine for the pounding in my head and now it suddenly makes sense.
My mind is sicker than I thought.
We have always only been human and I can only bend my heart so far;
But you needed me to be broken.
I cannot understand why you had to feel my break.
The death seeping through your pores brings out the colors in your eyes.
If needing you is suicide I know I'm going to die.

There is more to be said about the way it burns on my skin
Long after your hand has moved to another inch of my body.
The walls were filled with lies and I think your mouth wrote them itself,
At least they sound quite familiar and I wish I could say
"I feel safe."
The bathroom floor is covered with my blood, sweat, and tears
And I swear if you didn't know I loved you then, at least
I know you never loved me now.

I can't even love myself.
I've been told strangers cannot be trusted and I think that's when I became afraid of the mirror.
Being touched by you was like being awake after sleeping too long.
My heart was confused and disoriented,
But my hands never forgot what to do.
Loving you was the best pain I have ever felt.
Everything you are made of hurts but I love it, I still love it, I still love you.
This self inflicting torture has become my addicting sadness
And I know that's because it is as
Close to your heart as my trembling hands will ever reach.

If there was a stage in between life and death I think
I entered it the day your words ****** the life from me.
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