I haven't been the man you've fell for over and over again. The truth is, I just want you to be proud of me again. I'm not sure what to fix or where to go. I don't like my face anymore. I hate the way my body looks and I can tell you do too. I used to feel your eyes on me at all times and now I can feel how hard it is for you to look at me and pretend that I'm something. A simple two days ago I was afraid to die. I threw away my nicotine because I was scared that it would take me from you sooner. I didn't realize at that time you were already gone. So I bought myself a new pack today because I want to be taken sooner. I can't really leave this basement right now. The ironic thing is I hate being alone, and I really hate basements, but I feel if I surround myself with the things that hurt me then maybe my heart will change the subject for a while. I remember at these times more than any, the people that have told me they've lost everything and I remember the sympathy I had for them. Never did I imagine what it really felt like to lose everything. To not have a single person believe in you anymore. Never could they imagine what this feels like. I can't stop crying, but this is different. I've been staring at a white wall with a blank expression, because it seems fitting. And the tears just invite themselves. There's no longer that curve on my face. You know, the one that only you can see.  I don't believe in me, because I'm a follower. I don't want to be the outcast. I want to blend in so badly, so that when I'm no longer here it won't make a difference. Regardless, it won't make a difference. But it can't hurt to pretend.