For every sad song on the radio
I hope you think about me,
For every time you said you cared
I hope you’re doused in gasoline!

I hope bugs always clutter your windshield,
I hope the brakes on your stupid car stick,
I hope it’s dark and raining wheelbarrows
And you drive headfirst into the ditch!

I hope the doctors forget anesthesia,
I hope the scalpel slips,
I hope the surgeon’s hands are sloppy
And he cuts something you need to live!

Because I hate you
Like a crayon too short to sharpen
So you have to buy a whole new pack,
Yeah, I hate you
Like that pair of **** jeans
You can’t fit in because you’re too fat,
Oh I hate you
More than yogurt or stale banana bread,
I hate you like only a lover can.

One of your hipster smoker friends
Can put a cigarette out on your tongue,
I hope the ashes collect in your mouth,
The taste of kisses, regret, and poison!

I hope your family disowns you,
I hope your plants all wither and die,
May the road you walk crumble to pieces
Or at least be uphill on both sides!

I hope none of your children turn out to be yours
Because your best friend is better in bed,
And if your honeymoon is with anyone else,
I hope your plane crashes into the Caribbean!

Because I hate you
Like a crayon too short to sharpen
So you have to buy a whole new pack,
Yeah, I hate you
Like that pair of **** jeans
You can’t fit in because you’re too fat,
Oh I hate you
More than sleeping in a hot room with no fan,
I hate you like only a lover can.