I’ve spent my whole life rehearsing how to be wanted
Tilt the chin, part the lips
laugh like I don’t mean it
Men say “She’s magnetic,”
but it feels more like being caught in a storm
that only ever moves one way
I tell myself this is power
to be chosen
to be stared at until I dissolve into light
But under the sequins and the bathroom lighting
I know it’s hunger
I know it’s loneliness in lingerie
I’ve searched for love in the filthiest places
bare skin and bad perfume
hands that hold me like a secret they’ll forget by morning
Letting depraved creatures corrupt me
just to remember I’m alive
Just to trick my body into thinking
I’ve been adored
And after, the quiet always finds me
I lie there
feeling like the most beautiful girl in the world
and the ugliest one God ever made
My mascara smudged like fading bruises
my heart, persistence that doesn’t learn
I touch myself sometimes like it’s penance
like maybe I can turn want into worth
But my stomach twists when I finish
It’s not pleasure, it’s punishment
a small, private crucifixion
What’s a girl gotta do
to be seen and still feel clean
to be touched and not scar
to want love and not rot from it
I tell myself I don’t care anymore
but I still scan every room for him
the one who’ll look at me
like I’m not made of glass or sin
The one who won’t flinch at the truth of me
or worse-
make it poetic
Because I’ve been both the wound and the warning
I’ve been the show and the silence after
And I’m still here
painted in red
whispering into the mirror
Tell me I’m worth it
Tell me I’m wanted
Tell me this isn’t all there is