i was born a parasite, an artificial
organism in a petri dish
inseminated and taken out
too early, relying on man made tools
to keep me going, forced
oxygen and nutrients
that made my existence never feel natural.

so being out of place was always expected
when i was over two months behind
from the beginning, the world was too fast
yet only time could catch me up.

i lagged behind groups of people
desperately intruding on conversations
it seems the natural flow of discussion
wasn’t innate to me, neither was
the coordination required for sports
or crafts, nor the patience for academics.

my battle with time has never ended
i wanted to stay in the warm vessel of nothingness
but it seems my twin brother knew better
than to stay in a body that couldn’t handle
the both of us. since then
i have mastered the art of wasting time wrapped up in blankets, wishing
to go back to that state
of complete dependence for just
a bit longer.

growing up going to the synagogue
i learned that religious texts
are like a guidebook to life.
i could never believe in any, so
i only prayed to the missing part of me
the part that belonged, the part that
had what was always missing, i could
only believe that there was a part of me
somewhere to depend on.

if my purpose is to belong somewhere
bigger than me, i can’t lose hope.
in the meantime i’ll pretend i enjoy
the solitude, it’s a half truth
as being nowhere is better
than being somewhere that rejects me.