sigmund freud believed we all carry within ourselves a suicide impulse, some strange & counter-evolutionary desire to return to that moment of perfect, untainted stillness before birth.
i don't know if i agree, but i know enough to know i want to feel that quiet instead of the voices in my head.
you don't need to give me more reasons to pick myself apart; i never said i was perfect. you don't need to point out the flaws i already hate myself for.
the truth is this: i have found someone who makes me feel like me again, who i will expose myself to, in uncompromised vulnerability, & who will love every bit of ugly, who will make me better.
my lungs do not know how to be lungs, i am becoming bones again, the scars on my wrists threatening to arise as fresh again..
i have never once thought myself good enough & now he is teaching me how to believe just that. everything else is falling beneath me; it is all a ball & chain around my ankles, while your words rail through me, bullets giving me just one more reason to bleed again.
these tears are not for you, i am not for you, i am trying to be better, & please, just let me fight the urge to seek that silence without giving me another reason to throw myself headlong down the rabbit hole.
"i'm just a ****** up girl searching for my own peace of mind" ~clementine, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind