I COULD MOVE BACKWARDS WITH YOU - The faster I go the more grating the loss. It's like I'm stuck in a fog-bound realm with no Stirling Moss.

BOWIE'S LOST LIVER - Give me David Bowie's liver or else! I can't do that! Why not?! It was cremated with the rest of him! Why would anyone do such a thing?! Because he kept company with weirdoes who didn't know the value of a malignant liver! ******* wankers!

A DOZEN MILLION HAITIANS COULD NEVER **** MY DREAM of a paradisiacal Haiti! The grass is greener because of mold control failure. The weeds are weedier than before and chafed lips aren't meant to be necked with, and solids that pass easily make Burger King salads more valuable than a romantic poke to the ****. I loved you 𝘣𝘦𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘦 the injectable botulism, but you couldn't stop.

BEING A ****** ON PURPOSE (and deliberately and other words that mean the same thing) - To the shore I will row when my boat has a hole bigger than a vole. I will butter my bread till the butter's exhausted, like Pinocchio was when he got jaundice.

BURNED BEETLE - "You're not my gynecologist! Where's my regular **** doctor?!" Kim demanded to know. "I'm his colleague, doctor Randy Scanland," the guy informed. "Beat Pest?!" Kim asked. "More like Pete Best," the impostor doctor replied.

SAVE A CAVE FOR A SLAVE GRAVE - Ronald (before he became a McDonald) sat in the forest with hamburger-starved tourists who were the poorest. 1 day, after it rained a little, Ronald puked up a gob of spittle. It was his congested heart again that was giving him more trouble than Fred Flintstone ever caused Barney Rubble.

THE DRUNK CLOUD ABOVE ME is intoxicated with concentrated peroxide. It's a puff-ball from which I must hide.

TOMORROW ALWAYS KNOWS - I expect to die on the same day as others, people of equal weight and in similar financial straits. Once, when my father died, I had a premonition that my sexiest neighbor would be on her back porch naked after breakfast. I waited and I waited but she didn't appear. Later I learned her terrifying secret that defies the nature of human existence. More on that tomorrow.

THREE MANLY GYNECOLOGISTS SWAPPED GYNECOLOGICAL STORIES till their ***** went limp. "I like the one about the nurse who fell off the Empire State Building," one began as large fragments of his teeth fell to the floor. "You need to see a dentist," another gynecologist said, even though he was blind in both eyes and couldn't hear good either.

YOUR CRIMES AGAINST THE OLYMPICS - You started urinating before the referee blew his whistle, thereby disqualifying yourself from the urination speed trials. You 𝘴𝘱𝘢𝘻𝘻𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘶𝘵 afterwards, brutally decapitating 4 spectators. You tested positive for 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘨𝘢𝘺 𝘨𝘦𝘯𝘦. Five witnesses to your 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘤𝘳𝘪𝘮𝘦𝘴 are missing, presumed decapitated.

BLINDED BY PITY - I've always wanted to be popular with cave people, especially blind ones. There are caves behind my house that are empty. I want to fill them with blind people. They don't need lights at night because of blindness. Some blind people are okay, others are really stuck on themselves. I saw a blind person yesterday, but he didn't see me because he's blind.

YOU STOLE MY HEART and you wouldn't give it back even after my sister pointed a gun at you.