I just realized
Children probably shouldn't be
Left alone to be so free
It's set a dangerous precedent
That's proven hard to forget

I gained my freedom far too young
And it became the only thing I cared to keep
I chose destruction wantonly
In defiance of propriety,
like retaliation for the expectations
Put upon me by, what I believed
was, everybody

And on my own I came to a dark nihilism about the whole existence thing. So I set into becoming the most authentic me I could imagine but it was always in opposition to some belief I didn't believe, because I thought it wasn't well considered or just it didn't make sense to me.
But in truth it was just insurrection aimed at anything anyone decreed.
A kind of Dogmatic
anti-dogmatism,
(better known as "hypocrisy")
And would you believe it?
that **** dog bit me.
Right in the ***,
Of all places too.
Lil' ******'s got some teeth...


I had an epiphany around
My substance usage (substance abuse^).  It's a form of taking control, and sprung from a deep anxiety, About NOT knowing what was coming. 

         And it terrified me.

So as An outward expression of a deep uncertainty, And a morose streak of teenage depression and rebellion and ennui- I started smoking and I knew I knew better so I made up a quip of existential drivel and then internalized it and made it be a core component of my life long ethos and that's a stupid way to be... because I lacked foresight, because I was thirteen, and because my friends died and I became staunchly aware of my own mortality. No longer teenage invincible (but actually, yeah), I coped by shaking my fist at fate, and spitting and cursing.

I realized that I took all these risks and did this damaging behavior, because the outcome was predictable; in That it narrowed the realistic consequences. This relates back to an idea I had about cigarettes and alcohol being suicide on an installment plan.

"It's slow suicide. Yes I know.
Like Suicide on an installment plan,
For those to weak, or just to cheap
To pull the trigger on the whole thing all at once. So I'm just paying it down
a little at a time, minute by minute,
every day as I go."

Words of a fourteen year old boy...
Maybe not the best age to set your life path. I was an idiot, I didn't know Jack ****.
Probably not the best guy to let drive
The rig.

All this ethos of self-destructive hedonism is a commitment to a bit from so long ago; But now I'm so far gone it seems inevitable and so quitting also seems bit silly to me- if it's to late to stave of the consequences,

Might as well lean in and get this show on the road




The Beauty of Surviving by T R Wingfield - Hello Poetry






^polysubstance abuse is the clinical term.


4:30am 6/14/25