you were never poison,
but you were the first sip.
the first ache in my chest
i couldn’t name
until it spilled over.

i loved you like a secret,
buried under skin and
shoved between apologies,
but still, you found your way out.
every time.

and now,
every spiral starts with your name.
every hollow night
traces back to
your golden eyes
and the way i used to be
before i ever met them.

you were the gateway drug.
not the overdose,
not the blade,
not the shaking hands or the
bottle of pills i keep by my bed.
but you.
you were the first high,
the first crash,
the first reason i stopped
trusting the calm.

and it freaks me out.
because i’m old enough now
to know what love isn’t.
to know that you opened a door
i still can’t close.
and you walked through it
like it didn’t even lock behind you.

i think i hate you for it.
but mostly,
i miss before.
before you.
before i knew what this meant.