Toby's left nostril was accidently glued shut during homosex by his lover, ex-lesbian Wanda Brown (chief assistant to Oprah). "Jesus H. God!" A nearby bowling alley janitor exclaimed, whose wife was an ex-lesbian. "I got epoxy-dissolver in my closet! Don't move! I'll have your nostril opened in no time!" Five minutes later Toby was back to normal: enjoying homosex with Wanda like nothing had happened.

BRIDGET LOVES BERNIE while Gidget scrubs Ernie?! You're makin' me wanna die! If I wasn't in the Mafia I'd **** you! Here, take my hand and keep it iced till I can get it grafted back onto my wrist!

HAMSTER ZEPPELIN - Are you now an ex-lesbian because of Led Zeppelin's raw sexuality when your mother was a roller derby queen? Maybe. Do you regret eating hamsters when you were in high school? No. Have you ever jumped off a tall building before eating a hamster? Yes, once.