and what did i become in a moment— not an entity i ever wanted to be. and don’t you understand i just don’t have it in myself anymore to mean nothing to those that mean everything to me. i became someone i hate i wait outside, on your porch, trying to trap light through my fingers. i wish no one had to love, had to tiptoe around themselves, had to transform into what they never wanted. i wish i never desired to be meaningful to others. the world would be much easier. i don’t feel understood, i just feel empty— like everyone else is living but i cannot fit the oxygen mask around my mouth in time. in a cruel world, i made myself the cruelest and how do i reconcile with that?
what else can i give, offer up until there is just a shadow left? i don’t know who to be anymore and i just need to be guided, hand in hand. i’m young and the world has left me lost and i am nothing of what i’ve always wanted to be. i am nothing; i lose that feeling until it is back on my porch, trying to trap light through its fingers and i always let it in.
i absolutely despise who i am. anyone who was being just like me i would dislike. i don’t know what i turned into. i just wanted to be someone’s best friend, someone’s favorite person. i just want to be something to someone. i want it so bad