HOW GRANDMA SHAVED HER UPPER THIGHS WITHOUT RAZOR BLADES - Her secret was stiff milk jug plastic cut into one-inch-wide strips. Every week before dawn she would wake up and get busy. Grandpa, who had no prostate, would often help. He'd say: "Gertrude, I'm ready to cut plastic strips!" and then off he'd go into town to speak with Clem, the town's only reformed *****. "Clem," he'd say, "my wife's upper thighs are woolier than 2 monkeys in Thailand living in a tree somewhere." Clem would laugh at that like a hillbilly with no elbows and reply with: "Yep. Your wife's upper thighs are hairy, yet softer than 2 kittens tugging on a worm in a cellar in absolute darkness!" and then he'd kiss grandpa like they were both in Paris with lots of tongue for added romanticalness which isn't even a word but should be.