I think i figured it all out.
Yeah.
Our souls get filled with so much along the years.
It hoards all of the most amazing and most horrible moments.
And we just clutch them to us as if they are needed to maintain our structure.
As if they formed us, somehow.
I don't believe that.
My soul has never changed
It's just harder to reach now because
Of all those moments in there surrounding it.
So I started thinking that it requires a purge.
And how many times I may have partly done that.
In those rare allowed moments I had.
When collapse came
When sobbing that truly hurt the heart occurred.
What if I hadn't succumbed to the need to collect myself?
What if just lay there and sobbed more?
Until I didn't need to sob anymore?
In all those cemeteries that called to me from time to time.
On that blanket looking at 10 story pine trees; the sun changing the color of its needles.
On that carport when I felt like I was close to being fully known.
When all of me was screaming for that purge.
I think if I had just let it happen, let it all go, emptied my soul
I would have stood up
Completely able, completely ready, and completely free to just
Be me again.