Everytime i see her
i say to myself
"if i try hard enough, i could at least be half the girl she is"
but i try
i try and i try
i try harder and harder
but no matter how hard i try, i can never be her

i know the saying
"we were not made to please everyone"
but why do i feel like that is my life's obligation
why do i feel like this whirlpool of emotions always pulls me down
round and round
spiraling down, pulling me as i grasp for air
i try to breathe, but i intake and suffocate from all the pain and
all the sufferings i've been enduring
i've taken in too much
i can't do this anymore

i need relief
i need pain
beautiful pain
and that, i have found with just a single, simple blade

but you know what
maybe i should just give up
i know i wouldnt make anyone happy
whats the point in living a useless life
if you cant even make one person glad for theirs

i know what you think of me
i know im not worth it
i know all those smiles
those comforting messages
those uplifting jokes
i know all those were not because you loved me
but because you feel obligated to make me feel that i matter
im not stupid
im not blind

but maybe
i've
been
tolerating
too much