Dec 2024
HOW I LEARNED TO SLEEP UNDERWATER TO HIDE FROM THE MAFIA! It wasn't easy at first (coming up for air twice per minute) but eventually I mastered the art of staying underwater for 45 seconds (thereby cutting my breathing-time by 12%). Now I'm safe and secure, knowing that if I ever come across a Mafia killer again I can easily escape by submerging myself completely underwater until he goes away in total frustration like the ******* that he is.
HOW LIVING LIKE A MORMON SOLVED MY MEAT PROBLEM - I was swimming across Lake Huron when a helicopter crashed 500 feet away. I quickly headed in that direction and eventually saved everybody. The governor was so gay that he gave me a special award and invited me to become gay like him (an invitation I turned down flat). Six years later the entire surviving cast of π»ππ π©πππ π π©ππππ tried to make me gay, forcing me to terminate their lives.
HOW TO ENLARGE YOUR PROSTATE EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE ONE! Don't eat food that looks like it came from Burger King. Date women from foreign countries (except Canada). Pick a fight with ghetto Negroes and then disarm them with secret Kung Fu moves that will leave them permanently crippled till they die.
I PRAY FOR FAVORS - There's nothing unusual about that. Good ovarian health is all part of being fertile while crawling on your stomach like a 2-legged turtle.
BIG DAN ALWAYS ENCOURAGED MIGRATORY BIRDS to build nests in his skull. 1 day, as he was beating an arrogant Burger King cook to death with a fly swatter, Jesus appeared out of nowhere. "Look out Jesus!" Big Dan warned like he was going to **** Jesus next. Jesus just stared at him. "My Dad will kick your ***!" The Lord exclaimed and He meant it. "I ain't afraid!" Big Dan shot back like he was tougher than Richard Simmons and *** Wee Herman combined to form a super ****** or something.
THE MOMENT THAT ELTON JOHN BECAME A HOMOSEXUAL seemed like a normal moment, at least the one before did. Elton was just sitting on a lawn chair doing nothing strange when a **** man bent over in front of him to pull up his socks. "Oh my!" Elton exclaimed, prompting the **** man to turn around. "Hello. My name's Julian. Are you a homosexual too?" He asked in a homosexy voice. "I am now!" Elton answered in a way that made him divorce his wife and write the song "Tiny Dancer."
HOW LIVING LIKE A MORMON SOLVED MY MEAT PROBLEM - I was swimming across Lake Huron when a helicopter crashed 500 feet away. I quickly headed in that direction and eventually saved everybody. The governor was so gay that he gave me a special award and invited me to become gay like him (an invitation I turned down flat). Six years later the entire surviving cast of π»ππ π©πππ π π©ππππ tried to make me gay, forcing me to terminate their lives.
HOW TO ENLARGE YOUR PROSTATE EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE ONE! Don't eat food that looks like it came from Burger King. Date women from foreign countries (except Canada). Pick a fight with ghetto Negroes and then disarm them with secret Kung Fu moves that will leave them permanently crippled till they die.
I PRAY FOR FAVORS - There's nothing unusual about that. Good ovarian health is all part of being fertile while crawling on your stomach like a 2-legged turtle.
BIG DAN ALWAYS ENCOURAGED MIGRATORY BIRDS to build nests in his skull. 1 day, as he was beating an arrogant Burger King cook to death with a fly swatter, Jesus appeared out of nowhere. "Look out Jesus!" Big Dan warned like he was going to **** Jesus next. Jesus just stared at him. "My Dad will kick your ***!" The Lord exclaimed and He meant it. "I ain't afraid!" Big Dan shot back like he was tougher than Richard Simmons and *** Wee Herman combined to form a super ****** or something.
THE MOMENT THAT ELTON JOHN BECAME A HOMOSEXUAL seemed like a normal moment, at least the one before did. Elton was just sitting on a lawn chair doing nothing strange when a **** man bent over in front of him to pull up his socks. "Oh my!" Elton exclaimed, prompting the **** man to turn around. "Hello. My name's Julian. Are you a homosexual too?" He asked in a homosexy voice. "I am now!" Elton answered in a way that made him divorce his wife and write the song "Tiny Dancer."
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