7d
It is December 26, a day after Christmas. I am not even sure why I am writing this. I feel very uncomfortable, bored, contented, and happy all at the same time. I can say I am in a place of confusion yet certainty but I cannot explain in exact words how I feel about everything. I am inside a chaos, trying to build peace brick by brick but being ran on by some bulldozer that I cannot confront. Just not yet.
Out of all the unsure things I am having, there is one thing that I am sure about, exactly my feelings were sure last December 21. It is crazy how I still remember the exact date. I was running away from my feelings, and I just realized that I can only ever forget or move on from the person after I accepted everything.
So I will be writing this letter to you. I am not sure if there will ever be a chance that you will read this, but I will still pour all my feelings in this letter, hoping at some point in this letter, I might have translated these deep feelings to words towards you.
Hi. What an awkward way to greet. Our relationship started kind of confusing. We both know we had an effect on each other, and we are just cautious on how to start, due to some reasons we cannot name out loud. My first impressions of you were: you are nice, gentle, do not break other people's boundaries in the beginning and are very aware of people's needs and emotions. It made me curious about you, as those were the values I also have on a surface level.
I thought we can be friends. Just friends. But I realized later how impossible that seems to be. Months passed, and other people came into my life. I honestly thought I could move on from you, or just forget you if we will have a proper ending, and if those people were better enough to make me forget you. I was just fooling myself. Whenever I am with them, I always think of telling you how the date was, how I talked to them, or if they are a good person. You would also judge them if they were good for me or not. You were fully supportive to find the next good guy for me. I am not sure if I was happy back then or I was hurt. Either way, it was a strong emotion of mine that I could not understand.
There came a guy who I thought was strong enough to finally make me forget about you. Turns out, I still have a hard time ignoring you. I needed the help of some of my friends to fully ignore you, but to no luck. You still find your way to claim your place in my heart, and on no effort at that! You just do it effortlessly, like it is usual to do so. It is funny the same way as it is painful. I have never experienced a love like this. I cried for days, confused and never really truly putting a label on how much love I really have for you, not until last 21st.
A friend told me, one way to truly move on and forget is to truly accept what you feel, acknowledge them and it is up to the person if they were to act on it or not. The important thing is to acknowledge and accept. I have never thought about it that way, and I realized I was running away from how deep this feeling was. I gave myself a day to think about it, but I never really needed a day. All I needed was to break the wall I put on my feelings, and that was it. I got scared for a moment realizing how strong my love is for you, and smiled as to how I am honored to feel such a strong feeling.
Add to the list I wrote in the early paragraphs as to how I got curious about you, you are more. You have so much more positive traits that I love that I could not find from other people, yet you have so many negative traits that I could not ignore yet did not prevent me from loving you as much. You are nice, yet when you are tired you get cranky and boss people around. You are gentle yet when someone crossed your boundaries or messed with your principles, you get so stern and strict and I can see how black and white your personality is. You do not break other people's boundaries, yet when it is necessary to help them, you do. You are very aware of other people's needs and emotions, but most of the time you do not know how to deal with them. Being aware and knowing what to do after that is a problem I also deal with, that is why I understand. I actually love you more for just the fact of being aware. Not everyone can do that. You are rare. I always tell you that you are. I always tell you good things about you because that is also the one thing that I like about you. You have a small ego. You know who you are but you do not know how to brag. You are confident, yet humble. Too humble in a way that when I remind you of who you are, that is only when you will remember and you will feel confident again. You are the only person I like complimenting a lot, because you always forget. And I get happy when you remember who you are. You are organized, yet disheveled when stressed and everything is happening all at once. You are mannered, yet you also break your mannered self when you feel that it is safe and you will not be judged to not have etiquette at all. You are always two-in-one, and I am honored to know and to see both sides of you. It makes me love you more.
You are a person I will never have, but you will always have me. You once told me you felt how strong my love is, and all I can do is confirm. I love you, and hopefully this letter will make it feel all real, that it happened, if in the future I can read it again.
I am glad I knew you in this lifetime.
Out of all the unsure things I am having, there is one thing that I am sure about, exactly my feelings were sure last December 21. It is crazy how I still remember the exact date. I was running away from my feelings, and I just realized that I can only ever forget or move on from the person after I accepted everything.
So I will be writing this letter to you. I am not sure if there will ever be a chance that you will read this, but I will still pour all my feelings in this letter, hoping at some point in this letter, I might have translated these deep feelings to words towards you.
Hi. What an awkward way to greet. Our relationship started kind of confusing. We both know we had an effect on each other, and we are just cautious on how to start, due to some reasons we cannot name out loud. My first impressions of you were: you are nice, gentle, do not break other people's boundaries in the beginning and are very aware of people's needs and emotions. It made me curious about you, as those were the values I also have on a surface level.
I thought we can be friends. Just friends. But I realized later how impossible that seems to be. Months passed, and other people came into my life. I honestly thought I could move on from you, or just forget you if we will have a proper ending, and if those people were better enough to make me forget you. I was just fooling myself. Whenever I am with them, I always think of telling you how the date was, how I talked to them, or if they are a good person. You would also judge them if they were good for me or not. You were fully supportive to find the next good guy for me. I am not sure if I was happy back then or I was hurt. Either way, it was a strong emotion of mine that I could not understand.
There came a guy who I thought was strong enough to finally make me forget about you. Turns out, I still have a hard time ignoring you. I needed the help of some of my friends to fully ignore you, but to no luck. You still find your way to claim your place in my heart, and on no effort at that! You just do it effortlessly, like it is usual to do so. It is funny the same way as it is painful. I have never experienced a love like this. I cried for days, confused and never really truly putting a label on how much love I really have for you, not until last 21st.
A friend told me, one way to truly move on and forget is to truly accept what you feel, acknowledge them and it is up to the person if they were to act on it or not. The important thing is to acknowledge and accept. I have never thought about it that way, and I realized I was running away from how deep this feeling was. I gave myself a day to think about it, but I never really needed a day. All I needed was to break the wall I put on my feelings, and that was it. I got scared for a moment realizing how strong my love is for you, and smiled as to how I am honored to feel such a strong feeling.
Add to the list I wrote in the early paragraphs as to how I got curious about you, you are more. You have so much more positive traits that I love that I could not find from other people, yet you have so many negative traits that I could not ignore yet did not prevent me from loving you as much. You are nice, yet when you are tired you get cranky and boss people around. You are gentle yet when someone crossed your boundaries or messed with your principles, you get so stern and strict and I can see how black and white your personality is. You do not break other people's boundaries, yet when it is necessary to help them, you do. You are very aware of other people's needs and emotions, but most of the time you do not know how to deal with them. Being aware and knowing what to do after that is a problem I also deal with, that is why I understand. I actually love you more for just the fact of being aware. Not everyone can do that. You are rare. I always tell you that you are. I always tell you good things about you because that is also the one thing that I like about you. You have a small ego. You know who you are but you do not know how to brag. You are confident, yet humble. Too humble in a way that when I remind you of who you are, that is only when you will remember and you will feel confident again. You are the only person I like complimenting a lot, because you always forget. And I get happy when you remember who you are. You are organized, yet disheveled when stressed and everything is happening all at once. You are mannered, yet you also break your mannered self when you feel that it is safe and you will not be judged to not have etiquette at all. You are always two-in-one, and I am honored to know and to see both sides of you. It makes me love you more.
You are a person I will never have, but you will always have me. You once told me you felt how strong my love is, and all I can do is confirm. I love you, and hopefully this letter will make it feel all real, that it happened, if in the future I can read it again.
I am glad I knew you in this lifetime.
