"Son, I think we need an intervention with Simon."

"How do you mean, Mum?"

"It's that Sharon. She's no good for him. Annoying as he usually is, this new version of him is starting to worry me."

"I know what you mean.The Simon we all know has been replaced by a tree hugging vegan with the sense of humour of a house brick. I'll have a word with Bertha, she has a few single friends."

"I'm way ahead of you, darling. Her mate Sue is coming round later."

"Sue? Not, Randy Sue?"

"That's the one. Do you know her?"

"Mum, you can't let her round. Me and Sue, well.."

"Oh God, you've dipped your wick there haven't you?"

"Erm...just promise me you'll cancel it, please."

"Too late for that. This is for the good of your brother. Besides, you have Bertha now. What's the problem?"

"Mum.. this is a bad idea."