My brother Simon brought his new girlfriend round for dinner last night. Her name is Sharon, and she's as thin as a rake.

Fat Bertha and I were tucking into a Chinese takeaway while Sharon made hard work of a bowl of lentil soup.
Simon had a bowl as well. I think he had it to impress her. Usually, he would have whatever everyone else was eating.

"'Ere, Sharon, do you want a pancake roll?" piped up Bertha.

Sharon politely shook her head.

"Oh well, waste not, want not," continued Bertha as she stuffed the entire pancake roll in her gob.

I saw Simon almost laugh but quickly covered it up with a fake cough.

Mum, never one to beat about the bush, joined in:

"How come you're so skinny, Sharon?"

She then addressed Simon,

"Can't you feed her up, son? Your brother's got the right idea—Bertha ain't shy of a plate of food."

Mum turned towards me and my beautiful babe.

"Plenty to love there, eh son?"

I laughed and nodded enthusiastically while Bertha polished off a spare rib.

Mum's right, of course.

I hope Simon is happy with Sharon, but I suspect it won't last. I doubt he'll be able to keep up the act for much longer.

Not everyone can be as lucky in love as me and Fat Bertha.