I was awoken this morning by the neighbours' dog, Rex.

He barks nonstop and hates my cat Hector, so he's not very popular in our house.

I stumbled down the stairs to grab some breakfast.

Mum was shaking her head in disbelief,

"That ****** dog is sending me nuts. Have a word with Mrs Brown will ya?"

I nodded, then went to knock for Mrs Brown.

Upon opening the door, Rex bounded through the hallway launching himself on me.

"Hello Rex", I said, patting him as he wagged his very long tail.

Mrs Brown was looking me up and down,

"I know, I know, he's been barking again. I'm so sorry, tell you what darling, do you want to come in?"

She winked, then swayed her ample **** from side to side.

This made me feel quite uneasy.

"Erm, no, I .. er ..could you maybe try to keep him a tad quieter Mrs Brown?
My Mum you see .."

Quick as a flash, she pulled me inside. Next thing I knew, Rex had ran off and I was left with a middle aged buxom *** starved ****** sticking her tongue down my throat.

"Come on big boy, you know you want it. I've seen you looking at me."

I panicked. By now, she had her hungry hands yanking down my trousers.

I made a dash for the front door and promptly fell over. This excited her even more.

"You don't get away that easy. " she shouted, as I scrambled my way out of her house and back home to Mum.

"Well, did you have a word?" Mum asked.

I nodded, then shook my head.

Mum smiled knowingly,

"Oh, son. You do make me laugh! I guess we'll have to put up with the barking then. Whatever will Bertha think? Haha ha, she's a randy old **** is Mrs Brown."

I'm starting to think Mum set me up.