I should be happy
to celebrate
count down the days for their happiness

I should be happy
to enjoy their company
to embrace their warmth

but I don't want to see them
not because I don't like them
but for the pain I have

the knife in my gut twisting with every smile
with every side glance
every small loving smile
I hold it together from snapping

from crying out in agony
from screaming at the unfairness of it all

Because how can I tell them
that the love they have
the love that will last
the love I tried to explain

I was yelled at by a 21 year old upon our first interaction
and venom over child games
left deep cuts that scared

And the love they have
the love I see on them

I once held so delicately

so while they get to celebrate
and enjoy a wonderful night
and work every day to be better

I will be on my own
with the empty hands covered in scars
still hoping that something will happen

still hoping a miracle could happen
while I sit and see the name in stone