DON'T MESS WITH ME or I'll use my grave-digging knowledge to **** you and my karate knowledge to dig your grave!

JESUS HAS COME BACK! It's the end of the world! What will we use for toilet paper?! Sand paper! Sand paper?! It's going to be rough...

UNMEASURABLE ROMANTIC DEVOTION! I'm totally lost in a fantasy world of your eternal love. Your kisses are like soft rays of moon light illuminating my ****** in a bowling alley. Your precious smile is brighter than 34 billion candles on the bottom of Lake Erie 3 days after Halloween.

THE VERY **** BOWLING ALLEY - Donna worked at a bowling alley for nymphomaniacs. Every morning she brushed her teeth before riding a pony to work. Her lover, Frank, was also a bowling alley employee and together they ate pork sandwiches for lunch while engaging in nymphomaniacal activity on lane six. 1 day, as their boss lay dying from the fatal bite of a king cobra, Donna went into a convulsion: writhing and flopping around like a fish in the lobby. Tons of fat people gathered around her, unable to move quickly because of their hyper-adiposity. Fortunately Framk, who had recently replaced the N in his name with an M, said: "Hang in there Donna!" to encourage Donna to hang in there. 3 days after that the bowling alley burned down because a fat woman went into a convulsion while warming up a pork sandwich with a candle.

ELDERLY WOMAN seeks young buck for nymphomaniacal activities (bowling alley ***). Must be able to heat pork-sandwich meat with candles without burning down the bowling alley.

MY DENTIST has more caps than I do and yet he knows how to avoid tooth decay. Never "twist off" a tumor no matter how much fun it might be. Treat tumors like warts, with warty respect. I don't know the adjective for tumor.

ADD EAR WAX THE EASY WAY! Are your ears low on wax? Mine are. I've tried everything: elephant *****, monkey-*** mites, and still my wax-levels remain dangerously low. I could die from ear wax fever if I don't do something right away! So yesterday I contacted doctor Clem Butter-**** whose work in ear wax replenishment is known in lots of places. He suggested that I jump off the observation platform of the Empire State Building with no clothes on. I asked how that would remedy my wax-deficit, and he said it wouldn't but he'd be there to photograph the entire fall for his new book: 𝙁𝙞𝙡𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙎𝙤𝙢𝙚 𝘿𝙪𝙢𝙗 𝘾𝙪𝙣𝙩 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙉𝙤 𝙀𝙖𝙧 𝙒𝙖𝙭 𝙇𝙚𝙖𝙥 𝙤𝙛𝙛 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙀𝙢𝙥𝙞𝙧𝙚 𝙎𝙩𝙖𝙩𝙚 𝘽𝙪𝙞𝙡𝙙𝙞𝙣𝙜.

JOE BIDEN TOOK 10 TESTS PER DAY FOR 8 MONTHS TO PROVE THAT HE'S NOT SENILE (not even a little bit). Jill was there and so was Hunter, each of them witnessed how well Joe did. He answered all of the questions with ease. He's very sharp, like a spinal surgeon or a Subaru mechanic.

LAST TUESDAY I woke up and there was a big horse's head in bed with me. It was just like in that Mafia movie. I skinned it and mixed in noodles & cheese sauce. Pretty good, though not as good as mutilated monkey meat. It's a Dream Land trick! Run from the light, my skinny, blonde chick!