I am soaking my scars in lavender tonight
up past midnight working
everyone is drinking still
a few hours to ****
but my drinks have all been spilled
insides poured out
right side out
somewhat proud
not to be a drunk any more

a few times lately
I want to wake up
but then there I find myself
smoking a cigarette
drinking a cup of coffee

I start thinking about my dreams
but get stuck turning them into daydreams
again feeling filthy as I take another drag
long for another one
wish I didn't after I did
and still go back for more
throat sore from the quiet screaming
it's honestly become demeaning

before I reach for a hit
memories that don't fit
get stuck inside me until it's lit
then I'm stuck as I sit
hit after hit after hit
in my new home
the one I worked for (this time)
the one that's mine (this time)
the one that can't be taken away
as it ticks away, steady beating
not so broken, this time...

this time has got me pressing
moving quick with no hopes of slowing down
I can't stop growing now
this lavender has got me flowing now
showing me how wounds need healing
even after the burn stops hurting,
begins bubbling and starts scaring and peeling
I wrap myself up
tighter and tighter
until the voice within me is screaming
begging me to breathe

I am begging myself to breathe
crying and I heave, heave **!
take me to the Sea
let me plunge
let's get deep
down to the wreckage
where your eyes pop
and your eyes buldge
as the gold litters the ocean floor
mesmirizing how it
glitters and glimmers
you shimmer as I shiver at the sight
of these forgotten treasures
glowing out into the endless darkness
the light of a lifetime illuminates all I thought I left behind
things are not so difficult to look at in this new light
so I remain grateful for what remains of my pain
as the pain is only a phantom of which once broke me down
no longer anchored down by the haunting
of not feeling as though my heart was my own
I see the beauty within what's left
and I won't let it go to waste

so give me time
(this time)