you were right

about this shirt
i do like it

sometimes i wish i didn't though

sometimes i want to light it on fire in my backyard
and use my bottled up rage to keep it going all night

but you were right
it does feel like me

last night i was dancing around sleep
and like an immaculate conception
the answer revealed itself
completely occupying my mind's eye

you
were the first
person i ever trusted
time i wasn't scared to laugh
person i looked to for a long long time
time i felt safe enough to love

the experience changed me forever
and for the longest time
i thought you were the key

meant to open up what i couldn't on my own

but you're gone
and i'm still here
and all that intensity and purpose
still swell and shift within

i'm not sure you were ever my friend
but you were a friend
emphasis on the were

one day i'll be neutral
and i pray to feel grateful for all the good
and i'll keep stomaching the bad
and working on myself

i'll never burn this shirt
and sometimes i hope you think i did

you are this all encompassing sensation even now
a change in my heart rhythm
and smell in my brain
a peace and hell wrapped in one

banishing the best of our time together
is like sending a piece of myself away

i can't ignore the reality
but i don't want to forget why i tried to stay

i want it to all be worth more than the lessons i'm being learned

tilling the soil and blessing the earth
in this life people rarely get what they deserve