ONE YEAR IN MONTANA - Daddy, how come *** food looks like garbage? Well, **** love to fool people by bombing Pearl Harbor when they least expect it. Their food is made from expensive fish entrails that soothe our bowels and promote kidney endurance. Can I eat *** food in Montana? No. Why not? Because I said so. Hey! You don't own me! Shut up or I'll **** you!

MY SECOND YEAR IN MONTANA - Is that your dog? Yes. I found him eating *** food that looked like garbage in Montana. Is he for sale? Of course. I want a thousand dollars for him. Does he come with kennel club papers and everything? Yes. He's a pure-breed dog with large ****** that sound like angel wings flapping over Bismark when it's raining on Christmas eve.

SCRUBBING MY ****** IN MONTANA - Hey! You're very ****! Are you from Montana? No. I'm from Pennsylvania, the land of **** women. Really? Yes. When I was a young teen I had horns growing from my head and I couldn't touch my toes because they were in a locked drawer at Saint Jude's hospital. Have you been in Montana for a long time? Oh yes. My parents are Pygmies and they brought me here to have Pygmy reclamation surgery. What's that? It's surgery that will make me look like a genuine Pygmy, like the ones in Tarzan movies from the 1930's.