Take notice valiant men of the Philippine archipelago! White men have arrived to conquer (and to be conquered by) your alluring, young women! Testimonial: I was in my Burgundy chalet feeding peanut shells to slaves thinking about having my neighbors arrested on *******-up charges and about what to write in a letter to Jack the Ripper to end our friendship: "Dear Jack the Ripper: We can no longer be friends." The following is my fictionalized entry from Jack the Ripper's diary (pre-***** ****** entries): "Dear Diary: Went to the tobacconist today and bought 2 pounds of pipe tobacco. Complimented clerk on rakish bow-tie. Returned to flat, ate a bug and threw boiling *** on a family of four (a couple and 2 children) as they passed beneath my window.