I ate chocolate ice cream like a wild savage on bail with my twin feet blistered and my brave sister in jail. Granny left me more money than you because she loved me a lot, that much is true. Mama left me big money, 300 million more than she left you, because she loved me like crazy, we both know that it's true. I saw a baby at Walmart in the baby section in a baby stroller laughing and carrying on like babies do so I tell the mother and she's like "So what?" and I'm like "I was just sayin'" and she's like "I bet you can't even have a baby!" and I'm like "Here's my cell number" and she's like "I don't wanna call you" and I'm like "That's my prison cell number. I just escaped!" After being abandoned at 4 minutes old, I was forced to lie about my age to secure gainful employment. Who wants to hire a neonate? Anyway, in the first 2 years, I spent much of my salary on diapers and diaper rash ointment. My cousin had a terrible **** on his scalp that bled a lot so I told him to ******* till the bleeding stops and he made a lot of money because people will pay a lot of money to watch that sort of thing. In high school I nearly killed the janitor when I mistakenly punched him in the throat, thinking he was a math teacher. In a bowling alley a few years ago I found a wallet that was full of money, just not enough money to open a bowling alley across the street to drive the ******* who own this bowling alley out of business. I bought pink shoes at Walmart with glitter on them only to realize when I got them home it was just dried-up *****. I threw out a bra that made my left *** numb. My brother wanted to make a sling-shot out of it but I wouldn't let him. You told me twice that I'm your girlfriend forever. I heard you and so did that guy who was staring at me when I was trying on non-***-numbing bras in Walmart. I hate Walmart more than life itself. It seems like a long time ago even though it's only been 3 minutes since I rubbed your naked body down with fresh rabbit blood and pushed you into the alligator pond. Defy whatever they told you at the zoo about throwing cake at monkeys. Nobody who works with monkeys will say anything especially if they're in tight with the head baboon. Old people can't live without 10% discounts. That's what kills them: the denial of 10%. Before I die I want 10% off: a little off each foot & 1% off the ***. My ******* are like powerful magnets, pulling 10 screws out of your kitchen cabinets. [8/30/24] Hi Heather, I'm glad your fat mom's better. I see she lost her wide-*** *** so now she can ride Disney rides without a wide-*** pass. Fred ain't dead! He's living in a garden shed with his over-fed brother Ted. Elderly voters MUST be registered, tagged and tracked! Not yet! Not yet! I've only been a babysitter for 3 hours!