Times like now,
I wonder what it would be like to never eat again

To give up

Lately I've been not myself.

Trying to keep from breaking down in all the inappropriate places. Those seem to be the places where the emptiness hits the hardest.
Church.
Birthday parties
In public.
In crowds

I look at my sister and apologize
I'm not the person I use to be.
I'm no fun. I'm no joy. I'm no peace.

I look at my husband and apologize
But he hasn't noticed.

Only around friends and family of my deceased am I able to capture snippets of joy.

And pretend.

What haunts me now,
Is the possibility of awareness that she had.
I thought she didn't.

But
If she did

Then I should have fought harder
Reminded her more
That my love for her could never go away.

But

I ran. Scared. Inadequate. Unprepared.  

And now I'm alone.
All of my regrets and terrible nightmares
Just sitting here. Smoking a cigarette.

Waiting.