KERSEY MILLER is a mercy-killer who delivers merciful killing to people who are eager to be killed. But not me! I want to laugh, dance, prance & sing. I want to dress like Michael Jackson and beat the **** out of Tito. I want to hide behind Oprah at the airport. I want it all because women crave abortions and leather shoes come from cows and linoleum is made of linseed oil and pig-blood. This is our world and I have no urge to lean over the Grand Canyon where there's no railing.

MARGE is a big lesbian with a heart of gold who warned Clara 23 minutes before it was too late: "You'll never out-run a wild hill-bear in that flimsy wheel-chair!" But Clara wouldn't listen because she had a big bug up her bony **** or something I guess. "The next lesbian who tells me that she can out-run a bear will find my hairy foot six inches up her ******!" Marge exclaimed with big-hearted tears in her eyes.

EASE YOUR ******-GERBIL OUT because I'm going to tell you about a new camper trailer that I just bought for 500 dollars that has 12 upper floors that will make you think that you're camping in the Empire State Building. It has 34 master bedrooms with 17 fold-out ****-wash stations (and ****-rinse facilities). This is the most spectacular way to live ever in the whole world! You'll want to dig up O.J. Simpson's corpse and eat it without ketchup after you spend 4 minutes in the kitchen! Hurry up before it's too late to help you!

WHAT'S WRONG LARRY? Well, as you know, my birth-name is Larry ****** and I've taken a lot of ribbing for it: in the army; at work; in the bedroom while having normal *** with a neighbor. Yes? Well, I'm finally going to do something about it! Are you changing your name? Yes. By Tuesday I won't be Larry ******  anymore, I'll be Gary ******.