life on the road has been necessary.
spent a couple years in Wisconsin.
and a full year in Vegas.
my lease was ready to renew.
of course, it was an astronomical
amount to stay, so I decided not to.
I was lost, conflicted, conflicted
by a great year of tournament poker
and a not so successful relationship.
I started looking into what next.
what would bring me happiness
fulfillment, a sense of living.
I thought I was being selfish by
removing me from everything that I am.
turns out,
it's been the most rewarding part.
for the first time, I'm diving inward
forgiveness, self reflection, worth,
some
interpretation of inference

i write to hold you in my words
i wish i had some to hold me too.

i think the morning is getting rough
another day
another day

and i believe in what i take
i miss wanting you to stay

or a thought i've missplaced  
in my contemplate

loss and loss after loss,
I decided to unplug from the universe,
from yesterday, from this "Facebook" me.
from the day to day of getting by
that seems to be changing way too fast
for me to compete.
from the thoughts that held me to the fire, chained to this "please forgive me"
mind set that locked me
in my crippling ways.
the friendships that I leaned in on
threw this vast entirety of pain.
healing had to begin.
they took turns with my possessions.
I placed them in safe places so that
I might collect them at a later time.
I asked my heart to stand by.
but, it doesn't really work that way.
this "all in" or "all out" moment
has to take place.
I got rid of everything.

In Twenty Eighteen
five years alone
in a stuido apartment,
a place I ended up after my life got rearranged.
trying to re-visit that part,
I really can't.
but i will say this.
It was the end fatally gripping
everything i was,
lost, gone, loneliness.
it was a slow death
a crock *** simmering my insides
while I was feeding it a teaspoon from
an IV drip that was full of
all the right ingredients.
the past, the pain, the what if's.
the endless nights with no sleep
the contorted days that left me vulnerable stewing, salty, insane.

the frayed ends of my existence
coming to collect me from my pen.
the amazing poetry that came from then
the harmony of my past relationship
grating on my emotions.
the missing good morning voice on the other end of my line, was the final break

volume level loud.
I escape in music
the trivia game I played
on my computer, was my "one life left"
I interact with real people
I get lost in the profile picture of a stranger
she made want to stay.
I affixed my mind to her face and prayed.
I imagine her fingers on my cheeks
to soothe my manic
this was instant love.
fantasies are tragic-

they have their way of ending
and when you're waiting for the bus
to hit the pharmacy to pick up some
"ten milligram friends",
the lines are agony.
the faces long, waiting to talk,
their despair and hopelessness
consumes you.

you buy a drink and while two
dissolve under your tongue
you take two more that will hit
for the ride home.
that warm familiar hug from a friend
for the bus ride home.
don't let me go,...just don't.

consumed
myself
to feel again
all i need
is all i am
kind to some
buckle brass
to leather strap, obsessed
past the present
future bend
future bend

rules tried but missed
what i want from me
must lift

grave my pens
turn to paper
turn to hymns  

i've been too much
count the places  
i am
i am

the bitter escape that stays present
rolls from the futon to your mouse
to a screen of endless opportunities
that play like a smoldering stage
set to inspire, soon expire.
as you passout with a lit cigarette
stuck between your burning finger
and your thumb.
you awake to recapture conversations
that took place in your stuper.
sent text, behind a blinking cursor.

I met this girl that made me wanna stay
she's the place I want to be.
I run to her, from me
and all my baggage follows.
it's a ******* mess,
but, my God, my God,
I'm going here, I'm here, I'm gone.

i'm standing asleep
in my clothes
under a sky with no
movement.

i'm at peace with
my gun holding one
bullet.

i must be at least
standing in front of a girl
i've always wanted

alone
cold
still haunted

i am the glass in a frame
in one forth window
cracked, pane taped to the lead
painted coffered bonnet

i am a fat plant growing
in soil potted
holes for water flowing
through it

i'm so afraid
that these days have caught up
with the ones i've wasted.
life,  
letting love collide
my heart,
your comet.

the losses continue and answers come
at the wrong time, I was holding on.
I used her like the light she didn't know
she was, so I couldn't tell her who I really was, and everyday that I held back,
the real me shows
what we did, what we had,
and how hard I tried, doesn't matter.
it was a disaster.
I didn't understand at the time
but my escape to her, saved my life.
That allows me this;
a time to reflect
to acknowledge my greatfullness
gratitude, my appreciation
this one and only me
was once again, mine.
I owe it all to her, i really do,
that her, with this unknowing fight
was about to save my life.
she had no idea- we were

Becoming Us

How small
this thought
i have.
at times,
coming back

that
of me, dreaming this.
we dare say
better times
exist.  
shining
too,
so
it reflects
your decisions.

we'll be
on our way,
beyond
great things,
being good enough
to be Our
kindness.

to us
we rose,
by earning trust,
enough to be alright
through tribulations.

that
as us,
free to love,
escaping
expectations.
without offerings
those lessons learned,
soon become our
guidance.

Today, I'm captive in a moment of clarity.
I'm at the beginning of the rest of my life.
Feeling this all incompssing consequence about to interact with my existence.
this healing journey that allows me
realization, in this moment alive.
there's a limited time
for goodbyes.

I love you more than I love you.
I owe you everthing, for saving
me.
I wish there was a shorter version
but I'm so fortunate
to still be here
to write.

call it fate-

For, Amy Haight

this is me here now, on the road in a van 15 months after Vegas. Years from Wisconsin. from a desert in Arizona
12/10/23