you say you don’t just want me for my body
but all i hear is you telling me to shut the **** up
so you can tell me how horrible of a relationship this is
how there is no intimacy or romance or love
that we are doomed
simply because you cannot understand
that i do not want to be touched
you tell me i’m right
you don’t understand
you don’t understand what it feels like
to have your choices taken from you
they were not taken from me
they were shredded from my soul
my body has not been mine for a very long time
i’m sorry my body feels safe with yours
my body feels safe enough to relive years of trauma
you’re yelling at me that you feel stupid when i tell you no
my stomach hurts, im too tired, not tonight i’m sorry
but i don’t want to admit that i can still feel their hands on me
that i can still feel their unwanted touch
that my skin remembers what my brain cannot
my body rejects your touch, your love
how can i admit to the control it still has over me
7 years later
you tell me it’s okay that it doesn’t matter
you tell me you’re sorry for making me cry
but all i can hear
is that i am failing you for not handing over my body