if I had only known then
what I seem to know now
but I kept spinning around
in stupid circles
you would think I knew better
and maybe I did
still trying to find
the motivation
the drive
I'm clueless as to why
I must like pain more than I realize
down
I keep spiraling down
but the dark doesn't hurt
as much as it used to
I don't cry about things anymore
I'm empty
firing blanks
my reflection is a stranger
glancing for too long
it becomes broken and ******
there is no turning back
can't even pretend to
even if I wanted to
my self is abandoned
and this new shell has replaced
everything I thought I knew
I guess they were just lies
no solid ground to stand on
how am I still alive
when I finally find something to believe
then I turn the corner
and like a slap in the face
sometimes an actual punch
telling me every single thing I have learned
is wrong
is chaos
when all you have is yourself
but your self
is gone
taking things at face value
is a trait I now have lost
nothing is what it seems
simplicity is fallacy
as much as my heart pounds for it
it will never be
so all I have
are those moments
just those small moments
in time
flashes of light
soft skin
sleepy smiles
glances of appreciation
fingers running through my hair
toes in the sand
fuzzy blankets
breeze that brings lavender
creaky stairs
candlelight
twinkling stars
but I can never relax
I am never safe.