i’ve lost three people in the past year
two friends and a relative—
one i’d known my whole life
one i couldn’t say i was truly close to
and one i’d counted on having the rest of my life getting to know more

none of these times was i next to them during their last moments
one of them we hadn’t even realized was getting close to it
the other two, well,
you can never fault one for hoping for a miracle, right?

after every loss, life went on
and a bit cruelly at that

there was neither violence, rage
nor stillness, sorrow
in the skies, in the soil
the cars just as loud, the sun just as scalding
if not startlingly offensive in its clarity

did their passing not deserve any recognition from the universe?

life went on, and so
i would walk home from work every day
and pass newly repaired streets
and quietly carry the fury of two galaxies and some
i’d spot cracks in the concrete
and fight myself from dropping to my knees
and, by hand,
claw my way through mantle, through core
into whatever had dragged them—
my two friends and my one relative—
back into the earth
dragged them away from me
all too soon
far too soon

maybe then,
the world can stop for a moment
perhaps even offer a small mercy
of exploding into the cosmos
just enough for me to reach into the center
just enough to graze their hands one last time
to apologize, to forgive
to bid goodbye, good night

i’ll miss you
and you
and you

i wish we had more time
i wish we never had to run out of it