raw
I hug myself
I do the daily practice
of checking my stomach in the mirror
wishing that I just didn't care anymore
trying not to hate my body
I grew from  a size zero to a size 10
I wish that I could say that I accept it
and that I love it
I have moments where I feel pretty or okay sometimes
but usually not
usually I hear my mom's voice in my head plaguing me
telling me" how ugly and provacative I am "in my head
and my brother shouting how" fat  masculine and ****** I am "
and how no man would ever want me
I know hypothetically maybe its not true
but what hurts even more
is living in a country
where people around me
are even thinner than the ones that  I grew up
with,
that's the average ,
its the normal
so wherever I am
I feel like the whale
it hurts it bleeds inside
I just wanna dissapear
I don't want to be someone's side chick
or someone's plan b
I want to be their first choice
I guess I wanna see my own beauty
I wanna love myself more
and I wanna have that true love
that I have dreamed about since I could breathe
because I didn't receive much of that
thing called love where I am from
I mostly just recieved hate and torture
disguised as love
with people who would use the world love
and use it as a weapon
as a dagger to stab into your side
and say well it's "just because
I love you so much !"
well to me that never felt like love
not sure what it feels like from another human
but I know that animals give love
nature gives love
and children are love.
this is what I know.
This is all that I know.