Elana Zelenskiy has refused to give back

the vibrating Oscar lent to her by Sean Penn.


In an effort to heal the rift between Vlodymir

and the Dead Man Walking actor, Boris Johnson

has intervened yet again with a solution.


He said that instead of risking Patron the

Ukrainian Jack Russell mine sniffer, who is

active seven days a week, Boris is offering

Dilyn who is now superfluous. He added that

his dog could begin active service immediately.

British you know, needs no training. The suggestion

has caused an uproar in the principality of his Majesty’s

subjected. A delegation from Cardiff are currently protesting

outside the EX PM’s house in London accompanied by the

RSPCA and Battersea dogs home the  current whereabouts

of Dilyn according to some sources. A spokesperson for

the dogs home suggested that cats would be best as they are

lighter and nimbler. Prince Andrew has taken the lead and

waded into the furore by offering one of the Queens Corgi’s

instead o Dilyn. The response from Wales has been a call

for an independence referendum. The Scots in the meantime

have trained a monkey to find mines by placing them near nuts.


They fitted a metal detector under his kilt. When ****-of- itch the

monkey locates a mine he kicks up a racket and scratches his *****.




Ryan O'Leary