Once again, I find myself at a weak moment.
A moment of wondering what now?
What do I do; where do I go from here?
Why do I place all my hope into  
something that appears so encouraging
on the outside, to only turn out to be a façade?

Is it my internal optimism that allows me
to hope, despite all of the prior pain
I have endured? What else can it be?
Is it my continual bad choices, or is it
still God’s will for me to continue learning?  
Regardless of the questions, I am slowly
losing faith that I will ever find what I am
truly looking for.  

I do not believe in faerie tales.  
Reality is what we make of it.  
I try not to force my own destiny,
but allow it to follow course,
as it is meant to do.  
But, somehow, I still dream that there  
is someone out there for me.
Someone to hold my hand  
through life’s numerous journeys.  

Is it better to not try to find love,
yet instead, allow it to find you?
Only then, will it be genuine?  
I do not know anymore.  
Others seem to find it so easily,
while I am one who often struggles
for even a chance to show
my self-worth, my devotion, my love.

I cannot ride this roller coaster anymore.  
I cannot feel this loss anymore.  
Maybe I am meant to be alone.  
I suppose there is only one person
that truly has the answers to my questions.
I guess I am just to believe that he
knows what is best for me right now.    

I feel the path I am walking is the
right one, but I am just as human
as others who crave the touch
of another’s skin to theirs;  
who long for a kiss to their lips as
as a sign of adoration.    
Yearning to be someone that
another wants to share their
thoughts, aspirations, and dreams with.  

Even I tell others to concentrate
on what is good in their lives -
to try not to allow the emptiness
they are feeling to consume them whole.
Am I not a hypocrite to be giving such advice
when I, myself, do not take it?
Somehow, I have to believe in the words I say.
I wonder if my solution is rather simple?  
Maybe it will take years for the answer
to surface, instead of, in days I hoped it would take?  

Regardless, I want to trust again.  I want to believe in
another’s words to me.  I want to feel their embrace,
instead of each night going to sleep untouched.  
Besides all of the roles I play in my life,  
I just want to feel alive again.  
God, is any of this too much to ask?  

Vicki A. Zinn
September 29, 2013