we met through our kids
I developed an instant crush
I was in a bad relationship
and it was nice to feel good again
I sought his company more and more
every few weeks or months
first with our kids
then alone, just us
I invited him out to lunch
I took him for walks on the trails
and around our neighborhood at night
I asked him out with my friends
silly laughing drunken evenings
I wanted to see him always
I was elated and full to bursting with him
he was friendly and funny
we told each other about our lives
I thought he liked me
but he never asked me out
it was always me
I thought he was too shy
then one night we kissed
and kissed and kissed
that was all
but it was wonderful
something broke inside me
all my desires came flooding to the surface
but he was very drunk
in the morning he said he didn’t remember
he said it was a mistake
I couldn’t make the feelings go back though
I tried to make it keep happening
but he told me no
he told me stop
so I did
I never asked him out again
and we never spent time together again

I’m not sure when I started noticing the poetry
it was so long ago
it was after I told him about the poetry
so I thought it was him
it was exciting and ****
it was torturous desire
he talked about his feelings for me
he talked about our time together
I fell in love with him
more than love
I became obsessed with him
but when I asked, he said it wasn’t him
they were just coincidences
it was just poetry
anonymous poetry
I fell apart
the fantasy was the only glue holding me together at that point
I couldn’t let it go

I still don’t know what’s real
I’ve lived in a web of lies and manipulations
should I have known?
at some point I realized the posts were not just about our time together
they were about my life
everything I did
all my conversations
everything in my phone
I confronted him again
again, he said it wasn’t him
the person who hacked my phone
who watched me and heard everything
who posted mirrors of my life
and my fantasies of him
I believed him at first
I thought it was a stranger
because of Chou Chou
she said she knew the stalker
she said he was a catfisher
she said he was her errant lover
and I should stay away
I told her he was stalking me
she didn’t believe me
no one did
I called the police
I got a new phone
he always found me
and they never found him
he’s not in the country, they concluded
there’s nothing we can do
change your passwords
so I did
over and over

somehow over the years
I convinced myself it really was him
my crush
he loved me
he wanted me
it had to be him
the belief was thrilling, soothing, ecstatic
I left him notes and cards
I texted him, “ran into him” on the street
he never responded
to anything
but the posts were very convincing to the contrary
it was like he was trying so hard not to be seen
that he shown like a neon sign
I could find meaning in every vague post
you know how it is
you’ve experienced it too
you think you know what it means
you think it applies to you
it’s poetry
it applies to everyone, doesn’t it?
he’s not talking about me
is he?

for a long time the posts were sweet
but after a long while I noticed a mean streak
I tried to ignore it
love one day
hostility the next
sweetness, then attack
adoration, then judgement
promises of future affection
then mocking withdrawal
this person is messing with me, I thought
this person, whoever he is
wants to hurt me
I stopped trusting
I stopped trusting the anonymous stalker I fell in love with
I stopped trusting the shy sweet damaged man who loved me
I stopped trusting fate, love, desire, joy

I struggled, I still struggle, to consider others
to consider any romantic love at all
to rediscover faith
in anyone
in anything

the world is not a place I understand
I realize that now
more clearly than ever before
people don’t care when it seems they do
there are people damaged in ways I can’t comprehend
there are people who want to harm and humiliate others
for reasons unfathomable to me
I feel this now
I don’t know what I experienced
but I feel this possibility now
in ways that, yes, I understood before
but did not feel or believe
I kept, I keep, going through the loop

it happened again recently
every time I find out new information
about my crush
I look back and the puzzle piece posts click into place
oh, I think, that’s what this was about
I understand now
it wasn’t meant to hurt me
it’s easy to think everything is about you
when someone has stalked you
it’s easy to be paranoid and reactive
it’s easy to create stories
stories of harm based on your fear
stories of love based on your desire
to link things together where there is no link

fears and desires can shred you down to nothing
no reality, no attachment, no ground, no sky
no judgement, no defense

just a self, a pulse, an existence, a center
both empty and full

and eventually, in the silence
in the peaceful breath
hopefully
a nudge
to love again