Where are you?

Do you hear me?
Do you see me?
Do you remember me?

I have always been here...

Tell me you remember me...

Tell me...

What did you used to tell me...

Lean on me, you tell me.
But when I try, I fall.
There is more often empty space
Than a warm embrace
To catch me.

Shivering in the cold of denial,
Where I can see neither my breath
Nor any warm, outstretched hand
To help guide me,
Rubbing bruised limbs from
Falling to the ground again
And again
(Lean on me, you tell me),
And blindly stitching at a wounded heart,
I get to my feet again and again,
And I fight.

I fight to feel that I still matter,
That I mean something to you.
Anything at all....

I fight to believe that I am still beautiful to you,
That I still bring light and color to your world,
That I am still the one who has your heart.

For in these days, I only feel that I hinder you.
That I, in needing you at all,
Even for the slightest thing,
Only slow your progress in your
Grandiose plan for your life.
A life you once said you wanted me
To be a part of.

As I hurt, I remain silent,
Not wanting to distract you.

You must understand, I'm not trying to ask for much...

Only that, in my moments of pain,
Where life is not so kind,
And people are not so gentle,
And my mind, body, spirit, and heart are not so strong,
That I might find warm solace in your arms,
That once so readily held me,
Protected me,
Shielded me from all that hurt me.
I only want that small comfort
Of running to you
And letting the tears
Or the words fall,
And having your gentle voice,
And loving smile,
And protective stance
Greet me,
Telling me it's all right to hurt,
And it's all right to need you.
That there is no shame or guilt
In these things.

Things that I dare not ask of you now.

I bear such guilt,
And I bear such shame,
For asking this of you.

Do you know how it hurts...
To find empty space again and again,
To feel like I am of no worth,
Despite how I try,
How I try so hard
To be perfect for you
And make you happy,
Always make you happy before myself.

I have always been there for you,
Never once turned you away.
I wouldn't dare.
My love for you forbids it.
I promised that no battle you fought
Should ever be fought alone,
Because I would be your fellow soldier.
I promised no celebration
Should be celebrated alone,
Because I would cheer with you.
I promised that no storm
Should ever pass where you did not have shelter,
Because I would always be your rock,
Your lighthouse,
The warm, safe place you would always have to go to.
I have never left,
And will never leave you
To face life,
The heartless *******,
On your own.


But in my darkest hours
And at times, my brightest dawns,
In my moments of despicable self-acceptance
That I need a hand to hold,
That I cannot take it on my own,
You are nowhere to be found.

Well... I suppose that's a lie.

I know exactly where to find you,
But I cannot go there.

I cannot interrupt you,
Keep you from what you are doing,
Because in those hours,
And among those people,
You have far greater things to concern yourself with
Than I.

Than what I might be thinking,
Feeling,
Fighting,
Celebrating,
Giving,
Taking,
Believing,
Denying,
Remem­bering.

Always remembering.

Remembering a time
When love held a far greater place
In your heart
Than work,
Than pride,
Than cold indifference,
All of which seem
Quite comfortable there.

They say that money is no object,
But she is the apple of your eye.

And I cannot help but envy her, for I once was in her place.

I had always been what you desired,
Now a pawnshop token you could take or leave,
Or so it feels.

I wish I could satisfy you the way she does.
That seductress,
Always luring in on a silver line
Those who believe she is the key
To happiness.

I wish I could have her wile,
Her charm,
Her tricks and beguiling ways
That have so captured you,
The way I,
And my simple acts of love,
Though I could not do much,
Once did.

I will never compare to her,
Never measure up to the
Beauty she beholds,
At least in your eyes.

I am a rather simple creature,
I suppose.

I have never had so much to offer
But my heart in whole,
And the promise of a lifetime
That I would never leave.

Maybe money truly does make the world go 'round.

But I never thought she could replace me.

Well played.