You asked me today why I wanted to harm my body, you said everything was perfect and happy. You didn't understand why.  I couldn't answer and said that I didn't know. I hope you read this so you'll know. It's an addiction, something I'm so used to. It's something that I love doing. I love the marks it leaves, the straight perfect red lines or the faded beauties.  And I think the blades are so beautiful, and captivating. I know this is strange and sad, but it's my mind.. I love the blood, and the clean up. Being the doctor of my own self, and harm. I love the silent mind it gives me, the indifferent feeling, the numbed mind. Those feelings are almost better than the straight happiness you deliver to me. But I've kinda figured out that even if I'm happy, I'm sad, or angry. Or whatever else. It's just hidden, and it stinks for lack of a better word. And believe me, I do not want to have this weighing over me for the rest of my life, and I do not want to feel like this forever. I'm just comfortable with it, this sadness, and I don't think I know how to let go of the harming. But I'm not giving in, even though I feel as if I'm close to giving up however many days I've been without this. And I think I've explained to you before that I'll do other things, and I do. I try not to though.. I want you to know that I'll be fine though, I am okay. I don't need you to try and fix me, or cure me of whatever this is. I just want you to be here, and make me laugh when I'm sad. I'm very grateful I have you though, thank you. I love you, ***. Mwah~