Sep 2013
Just pray harder, Nita....
I have been on edge and triggered all day long…actually all week now…there are a variety of reasons…and the mere fact that it is almost the weekend tends to steer me toward the ’bad place’ – and I am falling quickly into the darkness tonight.
There’s no comfort tonight, other than in a bottle of wine and a pill box full of ativan...the therapist would tell me, “Nita, there is no reason to be scared. Find your safe place. Listen to your grandmother’s soothing voice.” Nothing to fear? Are you serious? And the safe place comment always cracks me up! Do you really think there was any place ‘safe’ to go then? Where the hell would I find safety in a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom, filthy trailer? There was NOsafe place. There was no place to hide! Except inside my head.
I should pray about it. That’s what my very religious grandmother would tell me. ”Just ‘pray harder’ Nita.” God answers prayers. Just pray harder, Nita…pray harder. My grandmother was very religious and very private. Don’t ever air your ***** laundry to anyone, well, with the exception of God. Pray harder Nita…pray harder…
Why didn’t God every answer MY prayers?
Why is that?
Because I wasn't "good enough"?
Because I didn't pray LOUD enough?
Because I didn’t pray HARD enough?
Because no one cared!!!!!!
That's why!
No one really cares now either…throw it all in a container, spray some holy water on it, drop to your knees and PRAY.
DON'T you dare tell me that my fear isn't 'real'. Don't you dare tell me that you ‘care’! No one does! And it doesn't matter anyway - no one can accept the 'unacceptable' - apparently not even GOD!
My grandmother was loving...yes, she rocked me, she sang to me when I was sick - she spent every night with me when I was in the hospital repeatedly for recurring kidney infections... because kids that get f@#ked tend to develop recurring UTIs which left untreated lead to bladder infections which then lead kidney infections. She was THERE! But she NEVER asked me! EVER! No one did!
But I guarantee you she fell to her knees every single night and PRAYED for her f@#ked up alcoholic son and her ******* up grandkids.
Just pray harder, Nita. Just pray harder!
Yeah - I should get down on my knees RIGHT NOW! And PRAY For f@#king RELIEF!
If I'm still breathing tomorrow you'll know HE heard me!
I have been on edge and triggered all day long…actually all week now…there are a variety of reasons…and the mere fact that it is almost the weekend tends to steer me toward the ’bad place’ – and I am falling quickly into the darkness tonight.
There’s no comfort tonight, other than in a bottle of wine and a pill box full of ativan...the therapist would tell me, “Nita, there is no reason to be scared. Find your safe place. Listen to your grandmother’s soothing voice.” Nothing to fear? Are you serious? And the safe place comment always cracks me up! Do you really think there was any place ‘safe’ to go then? Where the hell would I find safety in a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom, filthy trailer? There was NOsafe place. There was no place to hide! Except inside my head.
I should pray about it. That’s what my very religious grandmother would tell me. ”Just ‘pray harder’ Nita.” God answers prayers. Just pray harder, Nita…pray harder. My grandmother was very religious and very private. Don’t ever air your ***** laundry to anyone, well, with the exception of God. Pray harder Nita…pray harder…
Why didn’t God every answer MY prayers?
Why is that?
Because I wasn't "good enough"?
Because I didn't pray LOUD enough?
Because I didn’t pray HARD enough?
Because no one cared!!!!!!
That's why!
No one really cares now either…throw it all in a container, spray some holy water on it, drop to your knees and PRAY.
DON'T you dare tell me that my fear isn't 'real'. Don't you dare tell me that you ‘care’! No one does! And it doesn't matter anyway - no one can accept the 'unacceptable' - apparently not even GOD!
My grandmother was loving...yes, she rocked me, she sang to me when I was sick - she spent every night with me when I was in the hospital repeatedly for recurring kidney infections... because kids that get f@#ked tend to develop recurring UTIs which left untreated lead to bladder infections which then lead kidney infections. She was THERE! But she NEVER asked me! EVER! No one did!
But I guarantee you she fell to her knees every single night and PRAYED for her f@#ked up alcoholic son and her ******* up grandkids.
Just pray harder, Nita. Just pray harder!
Yeah - I should get down on my knees RIGHT NOW! And PRAY For f@#king RELIEF!
If I'm still breathing tomorrow you'll know HE heard me!
