My guy is a west coast demon that got caught up. Layer caking lies like…”oh hey surprise!” This is your device. Your peeps are App Store updating. Beta testing and eviscerating. Family member separating. Six beers and a warm bed kinda celebrating.

My guy is a doorknock. It’s the cops. Courtroom evading. Mercedes Benz. Third-world countries are exasperating. Let’s stay home and cash out. How liberating. Cult curating. A fun playlist jam-packed with hits. Queer shaming and fatphobic anthems from the pulpit.

My guy. He’s a lie.

But wait. Isn’t he a miracle? A prophet? I regret to inform you he’s nothing more than a spectacle. A hall of mirrors. His technology is wearable. It’ll only cost you two Gs. But don’t worry…there are payment options that’ll make it a breeze.