I haven't breathed easy in awhile
I keep my words hidden
My voice soft
I keep my thoughts silent
My smiles strong

Conversations were on the surface
Touch was only superficial
Never go in too deep, I told myself
Never let yourself drown

I haven't felt relaxed in awhile
They call it hypervigilance
I told him I was just observant
Guessing and second guessing
You and me and them

Closeness was artificial
Connection kept at a distance
Never get too close, I said
Broken and unbroken never again

I haven't breathed easy in awhile
The breaths I take are deep and heavy
Each step laden with weights
but light and soft and quiet
This is how I survive, this is how I survive

No, no it was never easy
The ease you see is curated
The ease you observe is practiced
Keep it light, I remind myself
Keep it muted

Oh, but I want to live
I want to breathe
I want to relax
And I wish it were that easy
I truly wish it was easy