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May 15
i think i have to places to visit...
based on the people i've met...
   friends of old are nothing compared
to the strangers i recently meet...

based on the fan-base of the Liverpool
football club:
i need to visit Liverpool...

why are the women, the girls, the women,
the girls... so much more beautiful:
wholesome up north...
compared with the stuck-up *******
of London?

they can come up to you...
kiss your cheeks... brush their cheeks against
your bearded cheeks...
i think i need to visit Liverpool...

and what is it with these Scoussers?!
even today this boy was playing a game with me...
tapping my left shoulder: i looked right...
he tapped my right shoulder: i looked left...

so i finally turned around...
he giggled... i giggled: long match...
isn't it? you're bored already?
it felt like a microcosm of my own childhood
where we used to play hide-and-seek...

i missed people: but i guess people also
missed me...
figuring out a bypass for a woman
with a broken leg to not have to sit in her designated
seat, but instead have a seat
in the disabled area...
went to the vendor of hotdogs...
grabbed a spare chair... blah blah...

if women weren't these scared does...
doe: plural does...
hugging... kissing... patting...
two Irish boys... one an Adam one...
older brother?
we were talking about the pharmaeutical
industry like it might be: the "industry"
of the undertakes...
we exchanged numbers...
we we supposed to drink till late because
i told them my birthday was today
yesterday...

            we finished the shift late...
my legs were killing me...
my back too...
     i'll send Adam a message of regrets
tomorrow...
next time you're in London...
or? i'll take your dialectic proof...
i won't visit Dublin...
i'll got all the way to Cork...

we both admired our admiration for Edinburgh...
i had to mediate the rude stewards...
******* ego-tripping on pseudo-authority...
it took three... before i was the fourth
and we took this
sick boy... to the toilet to freshen up...
i brought him extra water...
i suppose he managed to pull through...

people are great! as long as you can piece
together the ugliness in yourself
and present it with a veneer...
i'd love to work with children if i'm currently
working with adults behaving like children...

you play the game: i have no authority...
even though i'm technically supposed to be
a representing authority donning
a high-viz. vest...
   but i'm not an authority figure...
that's that game i play...
        i even tell them... but if it were
up to me... you could do whatever the hell
you want...

i need to visit Liverpool: find a wife...
or maybe Cork and too: find a wife...
    i can't be this much of myself by myself...
it would be so much fun to find a woman...
talk her into boredom:
talk her into death...
                  
but why the **** am i picking up numbers
from two Irish guys... to later go drinking?!
lovely guys... i even told them:
even though they wanted me to buy me a pint
and a steak & ale pie:
i wish... i wish i could be on your wavelength!
you know...

a sober person talking to a drunk person?
one of the brothers understood me...
one brother left the other to finish off his pint...
the one left said: well... he appreciates
football more than drinking...
me? i appreciate drinking more than football...
we giggled: because we shared the same sentiment...

i've been living so isolated for almost forever:
the impeding "predicament" of
the pandemic didn't really slow me down:
it just meant that people caught up to me...
or slowed down to my pace...
when people started to feeling longing...
isolated... i could be there: however i was all
there all along...
point being: the women didn't change...
the men changed...
now we can freely hug... we can shake hands...
we can talk...
brotherhood... ****** tension remained
however it always was to remain...
the same...

which is the sad part...
and... frankly? i'd rather a boy tease me... tapping me
on my shoulder... either side:
so i look the other way than a woman...
whatever a woman does...
with the number of prostitutes i've been with...
i'll visit one tomorrow... because it's my birthday
and i'm not about to feel special...

that's what's unbearable...
i'd chose feeling like a father everything time 100x
more times over
than feeling like Don Juan: a lover...
i'll drink this litre of ***** and think about
something fine...

i would chose being a father over being
the most successful lover: "almost": every... single time!
a ******* looks great in the mirror...
but?! a boy tapping your shoulder...
once to the left: you look right... huh?!
once to the right: you look left... huh?!

Hugh! stop it! you turn around and...
a bright sunshine of sunlight at sunset of a youth
is reigning over you...
no woman can equal: compensate that!
not with any amount of ***** ***!

because it comes across: so differently!
the masculine application of tenderness toward
a child: esp. a male child compared to
that toward a woman... a grown woman...

it's like chalk (die krupps - im schatten
der ringe) vs. cheese (SJÖBLOM -
brand new life);
i'm undecided... love for children or love for
women... ****** gratification
within the confines of women...
but absolutely no emotional impasse...
or with children: no ****** gratification
but not ****** impasse...

to be honest? i think children win me over...
i don't think i could be a polygamous *******:
the envy of a man among men...
even though tomorrow i think i'll
visit the brothel...

i need to visit Liverpool...
i think i need to visit western Ireland...
but...
    oh dear little ******.. if we're going to
be playing your game...
it needs to be HIDE & SEEK...
            i want to want to love women
more than i love children...
i don't think that's ever going to happen...
for the man's man... in me to be born:
children could never exist...

these ******* critters... these cute: additions
of the explanations of existence...
of the two song choices:
i always choose the sterner...
i do wish women were the answer:
they're most certainly "the truth":
but... between... truth, lie... question and answer?

what's most useful? the "truth" or the "answer"?
if woman is the truth... then who is the answer?
children!

       i love women: i love to **** them,
i love to pander them with flowers when they're
most unwilling...
but... if i were to chose between a child and a woman?
i'm tired of sexuality...
i'm more prone to parenthood...
   i'd be more hyped up being a father than some...
****...
  lover... ascribe...

i could cut off my phallus off...
turn it into a ******* oyster of a trans-gender
mentality...
i need: brains! i feed off brains!
let's play hide & seek... little fellah...
              
                it's a bit like witnessing a cat of Mein ****
sleeping peacefully in my bed...
i can have *** when i can "buy" it...
*** is *** is *** is not amusing...
             rigid muscular doctrines....
more *****! more *****!

at what point did it become apparent:
i'm more patriarch Abraham than....
Don Juan?!
          
      it's so refreshing when working with
children...
              it's so refreshing in that...
you could almost... solo project: Panzermensch them
into: doing "whar": but not feeling culprit!

because speaking any Deutsche is supposedly
**** spreschen... n'est ce pas?!
Mateuš Conrad
Written by
Mateuš Conrad  36/M/Essex (England)
(36/M/Essex (England))   
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