I miss him
I miss his eyes and connection and smile and feeling of utter comfort
I don’t miss the sinking feeling of my heart
Or the worry or dread or fear  
It is difficult to share with someone
The feeling of wanting to die
To **** yourself
And have them understand
They don’t, they can’t if they haven’t wanted that.
And maybe that’s who I need to be with. Someone that cannot relate.
And I wonder if the connection was simply the month long infatuation with someone that finally understood me?
Or part of me.
And with only so long
And never saying goodbye
Never knowing what would happen
I feel guilt.
Because It has been a little over a year and I no longer cry on my way home from work
The grief is here but smaller
I no longer go on solo hikes and envision myself carrying him with me
A small part is with me but not all of him
It is finally at that point
And now I have found someone new to smile with
To hike with
To hold hands
Someone happy and healthy and who every time he speaks I like him more and more
Someone who may not understand that part of me
And that is okay
But I cannot feel completely free
I feel like I am betraying someone that was never mine
But he would want me to be with a partner
A partner that I can be free with