i don't know... at the onset: ooh... scary...
but once the propaganda kicked in...
sure... the 390,000 Ukrainian refugees
crossing the Polish border...
credible, however many to be suited
in tents in Slovakia, Moldova...
Hungary... i'm actually flying into Poland
on the 5th for a 3 day stay...
visit my grandfather's grave...
he's dead, i'm alive... so it's me primarily
stocking up on cigarettes...
    i'm sort of worried but i'm also more
worried: ****, i better not spill any of this
Jack Daniel's....
so i went walking into Bower Wood and
the Havering county park today...
it rained... i bemoaned to the trees:
why did Jeminah **** it up?
   o.k., fair enough... i got the loved-up
stomach cramps... not out of love...
but out of: get out of there!
and i thought i was bad...
i thought i'd be the one telling her about my
Russian ex-girlfriends...
turns out... my presence in Russian
is still unnoticeable...
but she was the one telling me about
her exes... while on the job
i spotted her swiping left on...
whatever App allows you to swipe LEFT on...
i so wanted to love her...
learn German with her boy...
           to be a surrogate father...
oh well... the stomach came first... back to the prostitutes!
i went into the forest... almost blinded
by the Twilight...
     twilight? is that just after the sunset?
or just before the sunrise?
it was just after the sunset...
     the forest stank of its usual
wintry goods of... later than the already late
decay...
         there's this one particular tree
in Bower Wood.. and i have particular stick
to knock on it... it's pale white... dead...
hollow... but with this stick of mine...
i might as well be playing the violin...
i make my presence known...
like a crow in flight...

i know on this pillar and make my presence
known to the other trees... to the air...
i make myself: be myself: apparent...
forever outside the realm of voyeurism...
of...  profiling...
                     it's such a sham of a gesture...
but at least i am the only person behind the sham:
and no one else.... or for that matter...
no one except for the birds...
and me... hears wood knock on wood...

    how strange... i used to remind myself:
you only amounted to seeing two crows in England...
in flight... Huginn or Muninn...
when you'd see one... it was always
the former: Huginn: i.e. will...
but today...  a messerschmitt schwarz-kreuze herde
of them!
    wow! how benevolent to be proven
wrong!
   the scent of decay in the leaves, retracted...
sorry... no no... not worm-food... chocolate...
wow!
so truly alone, so truly alive...
   oh Jeminah... why did you faux pas...
that wine, that banana loaf... those flowers on
Valentines day... i really wanted to bring a liquorice
record with me and listen it with you...
i spotted that vinyl player... girl... what a faux pas!

i feel ugly going back to prostitutes...
but... well... since last time...
my hands sort of feel... glue-e...
moisture-riddled... "clumsy"...
odd... does unprotected *** with a *******
do that to you?
in her own words... live dangerously...
well... if she's a *******...
but she's... i'm supposing when showcasing
my personal hygiene... like a Muslim about to pray...
she... not me... she decides to hafe
unprotected *** with me...
no one else is having: unprotected *** with her...
here's to me performing oral ***
on her... oh my god... my mouth has longed
for home... to tease at the head of little Lucy...
being born...
    i am dying to east a flower of flesh...
while watching her mouth contort toward
an onomatopoeia... of... dark theatre...

oh Jeminah... flaming red hair... it was going so well...
until you ******* buckled...
self-sabotaged the whole affair...
i went into Bower Wood and Havering County Park
with a wish...
do i drop flowers round her house for mothers' day?
i seriously thought about it...
what about if i just scissor off a few branches
of spring blossom? the pink and white petals?
oh... right... but she's my mother...
she already has an Oedipus in her realm...
         you want your life to be too complicated?!
no... i don't...
   so?!                don't you, *******, dare!

it was already dark when i found it...
   the most exquisite branch...
              having crossed from Bower Wood
to Havering County Park...
   looked at the horses... wished i had an apple...
or a dozen sugar cubes...
hey presto! a branch... i brought it home...
in the shape of a sword...
no... not exactly a BOKKEN...
                but... hell... had a backpack on me...
placed it as a... affirming presence of a spine...
a spine reemphasis...
i'm going to treat this piece of wood with great care...
i'm going to curate it...
sharpen it... paint it... treat it politely...
treat it decently...
    but... it felt nice... walking with it...
making a reemphasis to balance my spine...
i walked quicker... smoother... i didn't slouch...
but i'll make a sword from this branch...
finally... alone...
with the trees... with the crows...
with the horses... the rabbits... the shadows...
so alone yet so happy...
         my blessings come few and far between...
but when they come...
how savoury all these moments are:
i always pretended to like something sweet...
it's just a shame...
i was banking on Jeminah to wise-up,
stop walking about her ex-boyfriends...
stop swiping left on a dating app in front of me...
but it was all over when i asked her to sit down
next to me... when she suddenly got up abruptly,
sort of scared...
and sat... at a great distance...
well... at least her dog liked me...
licked my knuckle wounds...