I took a shower tonight
borrowed hospital gowns replaced mine
so I can wear clean clothes again
showers normally feel like catharsis
tonight it felt like defeat
anxiety swelled in my chest as I forced myself to take calculated breaths
slow
in
out
in
out
breathe. repeat.
the shower I was in had a chair
and that made it easier to stomach the idea of "clean"
I don't know why I felt that way
it shouldn't be this way