frantically drawing boundaries

a childhood filled with people louder and angrier

insults thrown across, boomeranging into stings on cheeks

loud nights, where breaths, laughs, tears were stifled



under covers, my escapes built on castles of words

so now at nights, i continue running across drawbridges

made of bitten nails, dry throats, cheeks already tingling

moats of cotton blankets, sweet moonlit tones



how did you learn when to stop caring?

how did you learn to care for yourself?

selfishness i never learnt

loving myself a concept foreign



now my brows crinkle when i think

of myself and questions naturally

arise when i consider doing anything

for myself



working to the bones, bank balance grows

why do i still not do anything i ever dreamt of?



shadows of insecurities and anxieties

rains of tears and never being enough



i never learnt how to be a human for myself



i look for the next avenue to turn

for others to care for



but i learn and learn-

no one really cares



i flail and panic, my arms lashing for the shores

sinking again into my dreams



my nerves keeping on asking, "if not not, when? when? when?"

echoing "when" in my ears as i try to sleep



i muffle it all and drown it in the neons of social media

television shows

drinks with people who won't remember my name

presents for people who have already forgotten my name

my shoulders sag as i head home



the heaviness of leaving and pain of my existence

now that it does not cost anyone else anything

feels less burdensome but why does it still hurt so much?



life is really not that bad anymore

why do i still hurt so much on the inside?



why do everyone's voices sound so sharp coming down the phone?