some days I watch those tv shows or movies that have some cute but sappy love story in it. I always think to myself, I wish that could happen to me. for my relationships to be perfect. I realized relationships arent perfect at all! everyeone argues, and disagrees. everyone has some issue, but usually couples are able to fix that. there is always the "i guess it was meant to be" or " theres other fish in the sea" I feel like I have said those lines way too much for a 14 year old. I think back at all my relationships and even though I say I regret some, i shouldnt because at the time that person made me feel happy, special, and just made me feel good. I think back at my relationships and they were horrible. They were horrible because of me. I was the problem. The horrible problem. Im not pretty enough. Not skinny enough. Dont talk that much. Well sorry I have acne, like to eat and very shy. Im trying to work on those things and I guess no one is able to see that. I think about my past relationships and go through them one by one. part by part. to see why it ended, why that person couldnt be my soul mate. some were that we hardly talked, it was awkward, he liked other(better) girls, I just wasnt good enough. Most of them was my fault. I've been through the dumbest relationship problems, and now its effecting me. now it is really getting to me, and I truly wish I could go back in the past to fix everything. To fix my broken heart. To not put it out there so much so it could get hurt. I think about my relationships in the past and then I look back at that one. The only one who I liked through everything. who never left my side either we were together or best friends. the one who had issues himself but still put me first. who made me feel like a better person, and the most beautiful. the one i trusted the most and couldnt live without. where is he now? he is off, doing his own thing, moved on. why do i still think about him? because I love him. i love him so much, no matter what. He knows. Nothing has happened for about a year now, and Im guessing nothing else will. He'll be over at his school, dealing with his own problems, with his best friend. Me at my own school, trying to deal with everything happening around me.Now because all of these dumb relationships, I just try to find someone who doesnt care about all of that and just likes me now. doesnt like me for love and relationship, but likes me for what i do. I can flirt, talk and kiss him all he wants. both of us missing two different people and since we're not able to see them we just use each other for what we want. I hate to say it. to say that im friends with benefits with someone, but its just come to that. i hate to acknoledge it. to acknowledge that my first love has moved on, and im just here, slowly getting away.