theres love in my eyes that no one is able to see, i dont think anyone is able to see the despaire i have inside of me i try and try to  let it out but nothing works except crying just balling my eyes out it feels better like im refreshing my screen, or talking to  people who are actually there to help, with helpful words that help with the tears just makes me feel better in the end i dont know how to explain the feeling to certain people because a lot of them dont understand it maybe i just feel the need for attention so im forcing myself to feel like this..i have no idea. those thoughts i have of "i wish i was sick or hurt so people would notice me or see me or at least pretend to be my friends" i hate the fact that some days i can be off in my own world in this mood that just sweeps over me and starts tearing me apart piece by piece and then i just sit there in silence eating my lunch with friends all around laughing and smiling and having a good time or even a bad day but they seem to make themselves happy again with a fake smile that almost everyone brings along with them. but instead i forgot mine and i just sit there thinking of all the things, maybe thinking of that stupidness that i want myself hurt so people would notice me more, or  just maybe people will notice how i look today and they'll ask or wonder and i'll be able to tell them all about it and they can help or relate or just say a few words to put a smile on my face. but then the fear comes back..the fear of what if they dont care? what if they get annoyed..that big fear too its like how do i get the attention i want when its hard to . i think now i should nust continue getting all the help and advice and support i need from friends because thats the only thing going to help me keep going.