I hate to be alone
left all by myself
with no one but me
for company
I am some awful company
So self-destructive
so full of selfishness
and pride
As though I alone
was important enough
to ignore
or that my apparent
unimportance
was something
everyone should notice
but that’s not what makes
being alone
so difficult
it’s the part of me I hate
the part I don’t bother to hide
because how could I?
It’s the part that says things
I could never mean
and yet I do and I hate it
the part that makes me enjoy
solitude
and despise it at the same time
I’m so afraid when I’m alone
because my character is weak
because I want to do the things
I know people do not approve of
To drink so that I forget that I am alone
for when I drink my inner demons
come out to play
sometimes I simply sleep
like a princess in a tower
waiting for someone to come by
who is worthy of my awareness
as though I were ******* special
which I’m not
not any more than anyone else
and they care about me
though I don’t deserve it
and they love me
but I don’t know why
if I mentioned this
used it even casually
it would be a weapon
So here I sit
all alone
all afraid
afraid of driving away the people
who leave me all alone
such a paradox
but thus is life
so I think I’ll skip the *****
and read a book
go smoke a cigar
and wait
wait until someone comes
or something happens
because what’s the point
of feeling sorry for myself?
It only makes misery
and while I have time
I do not have time for that
I hate being alone
in a strange place
surrounded by strange people
but I could go make a friend
I could try to do something constructive
call the friends I do have
remind myself that I’m not alone
even when I am.